Solynya

#Onetime in 3^rd grade, I sneezed SO hard that I farted even harder. I was sitting in a wooden desk so the sound was amplified! And so was the pain. The force that manifested itself in my little 8 year old body was so strong that it forced its way out of both ends. Probably bursting a hole in my little Lion King panties. The sneeze was so forceful that my throat and my booty hurt. Seriously. Smh.

To make it worse, a lot of people in my class had never even heard me speak. I was that quiet. They heard that fart though. I was so embarrassed. The class displayed mixed looks of shared mortification, overwhelming amusement, and disgusted shocked looks of “OMG you farted!” Some kids pointed at me saying “SONYA!?!” I lied like “that wasn’t MEEE! No it wasn’t!” #YouLieBlackGirlYouLie!

Fast forward many years later, one beautiful warm night ending an amazing outing with some of my best friends. We enjoyed the breeze, drinks, hookah, conversation, vacation, and the sunset on a fancy patio. Perfection! Suddenly, trying hookah for the first time was a “Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad idea” and being in a chemically induced state turned into “Yall, I’m dying, my legs are noodles” My friend escorted me to the backseat of the car and sat with me saying sweetly “just breath slowly Sonya” The leg noodle effect rose, taking over my entire body and I couldn’t sit up straight. All of the expensive food I’d eaten before the lounge decided that my stomach was no longer a fit place to be. Magically he placed a bag in front of my face in perfect timing! And as I fell toward the door opposite him, no longer able to fight the projectile vomiting. . . I farted! Loudly, forcefully, on his leg. I was thinking “Oh no! I’m so gross right now. I’m throwing up and I just farted ON him!” I cried saying, “I farted on you” He said “I know. It’s okay” as he held my hair back and rubbed my head. Still embarrassing but I felt comforted.

I hope this is the end of the Fart Chronicles.